A Look Back To A Year Ago

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18 (ESV)

I made it until around 3:20 today before I realized what today is. It is the one-year anniversary of the day my heart shattered for the second time in one year. Today was the day that the same prayer went unanswered yet again. The second time I lost what I had prayed for. The second time, I was told that no heartbeat was found. I cannot adequately explain the pain of hearing the doctor tell you that your baby is gone again.

Did I have a crisis of faith? Not at that time, because I was numb from the shock of déjà vu. In a way, because, I had gone through it before, I was a little prepared this time but the pain was still there. After some time had passed, the tears overtook me. I did not understand why God would allow me to get pregnant again and then take the baby away. I was fine with not getting pregnant again and we were even considering adoption. Yet here we were two miscarriages within 8 months. I could have stayed in the place of asking God why He let this happen when He could have stopped it in the beginning. Instead, I decided to put my faith in the fact that He loved me, His heart was breaking along with mine, and He would never leave me. I was able to continue living because I knew that my babies would have never been healthy and whole here on earth. We did genetic testing with the second baby and found out that she had an extra chromosome and would never have made it. Someday, I will see my beautiful babies when I leave this world.

Here I am a year away from this horrible day, still heartbroken but stronger in my love for the Lord. I can sing praises to the One who held me in the worst time of my life. I can enjoy my time with my boys. Noah, my soon to be 8 year old, makes me laugh and melts my heart every day. I feel closer to my husband and know that we can lean on each other when bad times come and enjoy the joyful moments. I have learned that I can talk honestly with my heavenly Father when moments of sadness come and He understands, after all His Child died too. I still cry and wonder what my life would be like if either one of my babies survived. One would be walking; the other would be getting ready to start crawling. Learning to trust through the pain is difficult. I know that God loves me and understands that I have questions. There are no pains, heartbreak, or questions that can separate me from His Love.

I have learned also through this process how important it is to be there for people who go through heartbreaking losses. I am beyond thankful to the few people who were there for me during this past year and half. I am not sure how I would have made it through. The ways that they made me feel loved were numerous: prayers, phone calls, emails, lunch dates, coffee dates, shopping trips, but most of all listening and encouraging me to remember that God still loved me.

I have learned through my season of mourning that there is a gracious God who loves me and wants me to come to Him daily with everything on my heart. He loves me and has provided for my needs during this time. He had already given me a husband who is a best friend and a fun and smart son who melts my heart with his smiles, questions, compliments, and jokes. He also gave me some of the greatest friends who have stuck by my side and shared their experiences of the same loss with me. He gave me a relationship that grew into a deep bond of sisterhood.

Possibly one of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last year and half is that great joys and gifts can come in your darkest moments because our God loves us too much to let us suffer alone. He has promised to never ever leave us or forsake us and that promise can and will bring you through heartbreaking pain.

Dealing With the Pain Again

I wrote this entry about two months ago and made the decision to wait for some time to pass before it was posted. This has been a difficult time, which has required some time to process and begin the process of healing. The italicized part was wrote the last week of April and the other part the following week.

Going through the process all over again, I have to ask myself what can I do different this time to truly honor God. What does that look like and what can I do that will bring Him the glory He deserves?

Babies are gifts from God but what do you do when one of the most precious gifts are met with anxiety and fear. Having a miscarriage, followed by what the doctor believes will be another one, will test your faith in a way that I would not wish on anyone. I prayed and believed with everything in me that God was going to give me this baby. That belief was greatly tested when I heard my doctor tell me that the image on the ultrasound was not what she hoped for. Even though there was a heartbeat, the baby was not growing the way it should have since the last visit. “Not again” was my first thought. We were just here less than a year ago and I begged God to place this baby inside my womb. Numbness came over me as I was trying to process the moment. The doctor told us that the good news was that we were able to get pregnant again. Then I realized a key point; there was a heartbeat and God is still reigning. I told her as we left the room, “As long as there is a heartbeat and a God, there is hope.”
I wrote those words almost two weeks ago and the worst happened. Once again, I am faced with the reality of empty arms. I had prayed and believed with everything in me that I would be holding my baby in late November. I knew that this child was going to be healed and we would have a story of how powerful God is. I still believe God is powerful and I know my “lil’ pumpkin” has been healed and is in His arms (the place I long to be).

The question that you may ask and the one I have asked myself is how do I go on? What do you do when it seems like God did not answer the biggest prayer of faith you ever had? The only answer to me is to believe that God the Father is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do. God has been by my side nonstop and will continue to do so. He promised me this. He also is a God of love and compassion and does not wish ill will on His children. He loves me, so that means this horrible thing that has happened to me twice, must have some great purpose. Either His hands bring about all things or they pass through His hands.

The pain is so unbearable at times but God gave me one of the greatest gifts almost 7 years ago, my son, and I can get out of bed for him. Sometimes I feel numb and almost disconnected from my life because of the holes in my heart. Other times, I cannot stop the tears from flowing. I will make it through this pain as I have every other pain, though I will not be without my scars and holes. Each of these holes will be for those that have impacted my life, especially my two babies who are in the arms of my Savior.

One thing I searched for was a purpose to the lives of my little angels. I gained so much from each of them. From my little Joy, the first baby lost, I experienced God’s daily grace and grew to love Him more than ever. I also believe my marriage grew and my love and friendship with my husband renewed. We are awaiting genetic testing to determine what to name our last baby, so we have not given the child a name. From this last precious soul, I was taught to not lose hope and as long as there was a heartbeat and God is reigning on His throne there is hope. This hope applies to difficult relationships, lost loved ones, my struggles with certain sins, and the list goes on.

Friends, I am in great pain and would love your prayers. The prayers I covet most are those asking the Lord to be honored in my pain and that I will not grow bitter. Though I am hurting, please do not worry about me, because my God will see me through and will bring something praiseworthy from this horrible time.

Mushroom Quinoa Pilaf

Thought I would share a recipe that I really enjoy. For those of you not familar with quinoa, here is a simple recipe that I like. You should also google quinoa if you are not sure what it is.

1 cup quinoa, rinsed if not prewashed
1 large portabella mushroom cap, diced
1 medium onion, chopped
2 celery stalks, chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp olive oil
2 cups chicken broth

Heat olive oil in large skillet. Then sauté mushroom, onion, garlic, and celery, until onion is translucent. Then add dried quinoa to skillet and stir constantly for 1 minute, then add chicken broth. Bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer, cover and cook until all the broth is absorbed (10-15 minutes). Stir and serve.

Serves at least 4.

Melted Heart

I am amazed at what my God can do. He did the most amazing thing for me! He melted my heart! My heart had become hardened by trying to survive the painful experiences that I have been through in the last few years, especially last year. The thing about your heart is that it can harden so slowly that you do not realize it. Then one day, you are walking around impatient, bitter, and angry with others.

I felt miserable. I felt lonely. I felt confused. I felt hurt. I felt pain. I was sick. The lessons that I have learned through the experiences were ones I pray that I never forget or go through again. I hope I will be able to use those painful lessons to help others going through a tough time.

Survival became a high priority, which led to reliance on my own strength. However, I refused to let go of my God and prayed continually for His assistance. Still, I was convinced that I had to control what I could, so, I put up walls and expected certain behaviors from other people. The problem with putting up walls is that you smother out love for others and that puts barriers in the way of your relationship with the Lord. If you are not following His command to love others, you become self-focused and easily angered. I cannot tell you how often the smallest things made me feel intense anger. Daily, I prayed and prayed for forgiveness and refused to let go of Jesus, as I had in the past, when my best friend died.

God answered my prayer and placed my family and me in wonderful church that is not afraid to speak the truth in love. A couple of Sundays ago, I woke up with God reminding me of the previous day, where I was unkind to others. He convicted me of my behavior all the way to church and when I arrived at church, the conviction continued. My heart was broken over my behavior, so, I asked Him to chisel away the hardness on my heart. I could not go on any longer the way I was. The message that day was about salvation but the Lord was talking to me about obedience to Him and showing love to others. I was weepy the whole day, but joy came in the morning. Since that Sunday, I have felt a difference in my life and the way I react to others. I have still had to ask for forgiveness because I am not perfect. I love the grace of God and that He does not leave us where we are, but He continually makes us more into the image of His Beloved Son.

God gave me a miracle. He healed my bitter heart. He melted the hardness from my heart and reminded me about the joy of salvation. This joy is what I must rely on next month because this would have been the month that my baby would have been born and the first anniversary of my father-in-laws death. I will make it through because the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and the Great Heart Surgeon made me whole again.

Broken But Useful

The first chapter of Matthew is so easy to overlook. We think that it is nothing more than a list of names. Some we know, some we do not. So, what is the big deal with all those names? It is just Jesus’ family tree. Yet, there is a big deal in Matthew 1.

Just look at the names listed. Some of them were not the most devote followers of God in the Old Testament. These individuals did some bad things. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob even had moments that were not God honoring. Their lives had moments of deception. They lied. Judah was not a stellar candidate for the lineage of the Savior of the world. For starters, he kidnapped his brother and sold him into slavery. Then he forgot a promise he made to his daughter-in-law and that set in action a scandalous event. This scandalous event occurred when Tamar, Judah’s daughter-in-law, dressed as a prostitute and became pregnant by none other than Judah. It is hard to believe, but Tamar is also an ancestor of Jesus’. Then we have Rahab, who was a prostitute by profession. Ruth is also in His family tree and she was descended from a group of people considered disgusting. King David committed the act of adultery and arranged for a man to die in order to cover up his sin. If you read about the lives of the other kings listed in Jesus’ genealogy, you will see good kings, bad kings, and mixture of the two.

So, what does this have to do with me? Well, for starters, God can and often uses imperfect people to accomplish His will. This fact is inspiring to me as I struggle with my own sinful habits. Maybe, just maybe, God will use me to bring Him honor. I am not too ugly or too broken to be loved and useful to Him. In addition to this fact, two particular biblical truths shout at me. First, all of us have fallen short and sinned against our God. We all are in need of a Savior. All believers have sinned and have lives filled with imperfections. This fact also reminds me that there is no condemnation in Christ and we are new creations in Christ. Even though we still have sinful moments, we are to learn from our mistakes, confess them, repent of them, and “go and sin no more.” Our past cannot be changed, but our present and future can be God honoring and useful.

There is an important point to take from this passage about Jesus’ heritage. If God can use liars, adulters, prostitutes, and murders to achieve His greatest purpose, surely he can use me to fulfill whatever purpose He has assigned me. He can take my past and use it for His purposes, but I must first be grateful for His grace and forgiveness and be willing to be used by Him.

How about you? Are you willing to be a vessel for God in spite of your sinful past? What is holding you back? God’s grace and mercy is awaiting you when you confess your sis.

Goodbye Never Hello

My heart is aching
aching for the face I’ll never see
the chubby cheeks I’ll never kiss
and the smile that will never cross your face

My heart is aching
aching for the person I’ll never know
the laugh I’ll never hear
the words you’ll never say
and the opportunity to show how much you are loved

My heart is aching
aching for the missed opportunities
the first word that will never be uttered
the first step preceded by your first fall
and all the successes never accomplished

My heart is aching
aching because I never got to know you
would you have been fearless or timid
Would you have looked like me or your dad
would we have shared secrets and laughs

My heart is aching
aching because you are not here
never was I to hold you
or kiss your boo boos away
I will never hear you say momma
instead I had to say goodbye instead of hello.

Sorry, I’ve Been a Poor Reflection

Today, I finished watching a movie on the Gospel Music Channel and cried like a baby. It was a beautiful movie based on a true story, titled The Heart of Christmas. The movie touched my heart in a way it would not have a year ago. It was about a little boy who battled leukemia and I will not give away the ending. Not sure if I should have watched it given what I experienced a few months ago.

The parents of this child and the example of faith they demonstrated touched me. Convicted, I looked at my experiences with loss and change this year and wish I could be a better reflection of Christ. I have not been a good reflection and I am so sorry. I have felt anger and bitterness, which has flown out of me. I felt ugly on the inside and have pushed people away. If we have crossed paths during those times, I ask your forgiveness for my behavior and attitude.

During this time, I turned to an old habit. I had made great strides in overcoming this habit until I found out I was pregnant and in the midst of moving stress. Unfortunately, it became worse when my baby died. The habit I am referring to is turning to food for comfort. I never felt worse in my life and I ate certain foods. They gave me some comfort in my unstable life; it was a place where I found some joy. My one praise is that I am thankful my God has given me the awareness that this pattern is creeping back in and trying to enslave me again.

I think one of the hardest parts of what I am going through is believing God’s words and promises and not giving into my human understanding. I find myself at times battling with what I know is true and what I feel. Questions keep rising up such as why God would allow me to get pregnant in the first place. Yet, one thing I learned a long time ago while I was mourning my best friend’s death is to take those questions to God instead of running from Him. He is big enough to handle my questions. The one question I try to ask Him instead of, “Why, Lord?” is “What now, Lord?” I need to ask Him what He wants me to do with what has happened to me and how can He be glorified through it. Some days this is not hard, but other days, there is a battle between the why and what. He tells us in Philippians that we are to rejoice always. How can I rejoice when I had to say goodbye to the baby I never had a chance to say hello to? According to past experiences, I can rejoice in the fact that God has promised to walk through this dark time with me and that I will be a stronger person on the other end. There will also be a day that I will hold my baby Joy and she will be healthy and beautiful.

Friends, I shared my rambling thoughts and feelings today because I hope that by sharing them with you, you will see that even in darkness, God’s love is a light. He will be with you during every trial in life. My hope is that by sharing with you, I will fulfill 2 Corinthians1:3-4:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (ESV)

I hope that you remember to praise Him always. Praising Him in the storm is tough but His grace will get you though the times you feel you cannot. I will pray for you my friends through all your difficulties and pray that they will bring you closer to God. I also pray that you will learn to praise Him when it takes all you have to not give in and lose hope. I love you all and pray for you to grow in grace and patience. “I’m here for ya!”