The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18 (ESV)
I made it until around 3:20 today before I realized what today is. It is the one-year anniversary of the day my heart shattered for the second time in one year. Today was the day that the same prayer went unanswered yet again. The second time I lost what I had prayed for. The second time, I was told that no heartbeat was found. I cannot adequately explain the pain of hearing the doctor tell you that your baby is gone again.
Did I have a crisis of faith? Not at that time, because I was numb from the shock of déjà vu. In a way, because, I had gone through it before, I was a little prepared this time but the pain was still there. After some time had passed, the tears overtook me. I did not understand why God would allow me to get pregnant again and then take the baby away. I was fine with not getting pregnant again and we were even considering adoption. Yet here we were two miscarriages within 8 months. I could have stayed in the place of asking God why He let this happen when He could have stopped it in the beginning. Instead, I decided to put my faith in the fact that He loved me, His heart was breaking along with mine, and He would never leave me. I was able to continue living because I knew that my babies would have never been healthy and whole here on earth. We did genetic testing with the second baby and found out that she had an extra chromosome and would never have made it. Someday, I will see my beautiful babies when I leave this world.
Here I am a year away from this horrible day, still heartbroken but stronger in my love for the Lord. I can sing praises to the One who held me in the worst time of my life. I can enjoy my time with my boys. Noah, my soon to be 8 year old, makes me laugh and melts my heart every day. I feel closer to my husband and know that we can lean on each other when bad times come and enjoy the joyful moments. I have learned that I can talk honestly with my heavenly Father when moments of sadness come and He understands, after all His Child died too. I still cry and wonder what my life would be like if either one of my babies survived. One would be walking; the other would be getting ready to start crawling. Learning to trust through the pain is difficult. I know that God loves me and understands that I have questions. There are no pains, heartbreak, or questions that can separate me from His Love.
I have learned also through this process how important it is to be there for people who go through heartbreaking losses. I am beyond thankful to the few people who were there for me during this past year and half. I am not sure how I would have made it through. The ways that they made me feel loved were numerous: prayers, phone calls, emails, lunch dates, coffee dates, shopping trips, but most of all listening and encouraging me to remember that God still loved me.
I have learned through my season of mourning that there is a gracious God who loves me and wants me to come to Him daily with everything on my heart. He loves me and has provided for my needs during this time. He had already given me a husband who is a best friend and a fun and smart son who melts my heart with his smiles, questions, compliments, and jokes. He also gave me some of the greatest friends who have stuck by my side and shared their experiences of the same loss with me. He gave me a relationship that grew into a deep bond of sisterhood.
Possibly one of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last year and half is that great joys and gifts can come in your darkest moments because our God loves us too much to let us suffer alone. He has promised to never ever leave us or forsake us and that promise can and will bring you through heartbreaking pain.